Talking with your Teenager

Let’s face it; communication is a hard thing to do sometimes, especially if things are uncomfortable in any way. In addition, if you have a teenager, there are bound to be things that are uncomfortable between you, just based on the sheer fact that they are teens. However, if you want to keep a good relationship with your teen, then keeping the lines of communication open is a good first step.

Your goal in communicating with your teenager is to be heard. If they feel angry or defensive, they will not be able to hear you. It is at that point that all ability for sharing and relating is gone. Therefore, it is imperative to have a plan or a set of guidelines if you will, before you try to talk with your teen.

Let me share 6 good things you should keep in mind before talking with your teen.

1. Use words they understand. Speak at their level. They don’t want to feel stupid for not quite understanding what you are saying.

2. Talk to them as if they are adults, rather than children. If you do this, you will be communicating on common ground and they will respond to that.

3. Offer advice rather than telling them what to do. Teenagers need the balance of knowing you care, but also that you understand their need to make decisions for themselves at times. Keep in mind too, that even if they don’t take your advice initially, it does not mean they will not later. If you communicate positively with them, your words will have an impact for a long time to come.

4. Offer positive feedback. It’s so easy to see and point out the negative things, but it takes a skilled and self-controlled person to look for the positive and point that out instead. Genuine praise will go a long way with anyone, and especially your child.

5. Ask them questions that reflect an interest in their world. Show them you truly want to know more about what they care about, are interested in and like doing. This will then open the door for future conversations.

6. Always approach your teenager from a position of trust when bringing up sensitive topics. If they don’t feel that you trust and believe them, they are going to be less likely to open up and be honest with you. This can be really hard to do, so before approaching a hot topic with your teen, take time to mentally prepare yourself to handle things calmly, and peacefully, without causing them to get defensive.

These are simply 6 guidelines you can use when talking with your son or daughter. However, some children may be a bit more out of control, and leave you feeling lost. If that is the case, do not give up. Continue seeking guidance to learn more ways you can positively affect your relationship with your son or daughter.

Encouraging Your Child - Nurturing a Positive Relationship with your Teen

Encouraging your child and Praising your Child are 2 different things. Today I would like to talk about the powerful results encouragement can have.

First, encouragement helps children believe in themselves. It gives them a form of internal gratification. That is something others can’t easily take away and will help them to find happiness in the things they do. This is a good foundation for them to grow from. We want our children to realize that their happiness is dependent on themselves, and not from what others can offer.

Praise on the other hand, is a form of external gratification that comes from outside sources. It focuses on them, their behavior or accomplishment, rather than the effort. This means it can be given or taken away by others, at anytime. This can lead our children to seek out approval from others to feel good about themselves. That message is not one we want them to learn.

Let’s look at definitions for both:Praise- an expression of approval, to admire, commend, extol
Encouragement- the act of giving hope or support, to strengthen, giving courage or confidence

As a parent, encouraging your child will really benefit not only them, but also your relationship with them, especially if difficult times arise. For example, it is well known that the teenage years can be an especially trying time between parents and teens. If you have a good relationship and are an encouragement to your child, I believe it will help you maintain a more positive relationship through those difficult years. So let’s talk about a few ways you can encourage your child or teenager.

1. Show Confidence in your child. A very important way to do this non verbally is by giving them responsibility. It shows you trust and believe in their ability to handle that task. In addition, allowing your child to make some of their own decisions is another way.

2. Show your child that you value them for who they are, not what they do. This means pointing out positive things that are not related to an accomplishment. Likewise, showing them their value despite misbehavior.

3. Point out their strengths and acknowledge what they do well. Build upon those things and they will inherently find success and satisfaction from their own achievements.

4. Encourage independence. Offer opportunities for your child to make decisions for themselves and be satisfied with their choice, even if it was not yours.

Parenting an Out of Control Child

Parenting a difficult child is a challenge every single day. We all love our children, want to be the best parents we can be, and raise healthy, well-adjusted, happy and responsible adults that are ready to go out and live happy and fulfilled lives. However, what we want, and what we find ourselves faced with can sometimes collide in a way that makes us feel hopeless. It is when you get to that point that you realize you need some help.
If this is you, I want you to be encouraged by two things:
1. You are not alone!
2. There is hope and help!

Learning is a lifelong process, as is being a parent. It stands to reason, that as parents, we should continually be growing and learning new skills to work with our children as they grow. This is undoubtedly true when faced with a child who is extremely defiant. Children do not come with training manuals or instruction booklets, hence you have plenty of things to learn. So if you are dealing with a difficult situation, its time to gain some new insights and skills to interact with your child differently.

I consider parenting as one long, on-going, continuing education class. Just as in school, the more you study and learn the better grades you will get. Consider this; when you are in school, some of the classes you take will turn out to be a lot more challenging than you thought. This means to get a good grade, you will have to work harder and study more. The same is true of parenting. Some stages with your child will be more difficult and mind boggling than others, so you will need to work harder and learn more. This is of course, only an analogy, but the same principle does apply. The more you learn, the better you will do in bringing your child back around, restoring peace and a positive environment in the home, and raising a responsible adult.

If what you are currently trying is not working, then its time for a change. Giving up is the worst possible choice a parent can make. Instead, face the difficult situation you are in, and work towards finding the changes that need to be made. Your child is precious, and a gift. You are the one that can make the difference in their lives today, and for the rest of their days.

5 Things to Avoid When Talking With Your Teen

An important part of parenting a teenager is keeping the lines of communication open. When things get difficult, this is often the first thing that breaks down. In this article, I would like to offer some help to avoid that problem.

If you want to be heard by your teenager, here are 5 communication killers you want to try to avoid if at all possible.

1. Do not yell. This is the number one thing you should avoid at all costs. If you naturally yell, this will be hard, but you must prepare yourself to not do it. As soon as you do, the doors to communication will be slammed shut and it can take a very long time to open them again. A simple, but effective technique is to take at least 3 deep breaths before beginning to speak. This will help you to remain calm.

2. Do not assume the worst about a situation and then go in to talk with them about it. Your body language and tone of voice will shut down communication before you even get started. Instead, choose to not jump to any conclusions, to give them the benefit of the doubt, and to hear them out completely. You must go in with an open mind and be willing to hear what they have to say. The two keys here are “open mind” and “be willing to hear.”

3. Don’t talk over their head, but don’t try and talk to them as if you are a teenager as well. Teens need their own “thing” so if you try to emulate them or their words, they will pull away. Just talk to them at their level, in your own words.

4. If your teenager repeatedly fails to do a task you have asked, do not nag them about. Teenager’s ears close up when nagging starts. Instead, calmly enforce a consequence for not doing what you ask. Nagging them over and over about it only upsets you and them.

5. When trying to casually chat about their day, don’t use the same questions over and over. For example, instead of saying, “How was your day?” you could instead ask, “Did anything fun or unusual happen at school today?”

Parenting is a Full Time Job!

Weather you are a parent of a newborn, toddler, child or teenager, one thing is for sure... it is a full time job. Your child is relying on you to help them through this maze of life, and it is your responsibility to help them grow into responsible adults who add value to the world. Sound overwhelming? Don't worry, you can do this!