Feel Like a Good or Bad Parent? How To Be a "Good Enough Parent"

by Janet Lehman, MSW

Dear Parents,

As the year draws to a close, I wanted to reach out and invite you to talk about something we often don’t bring up with others—the hard times we all experience as parents. The moments when you were at the end of your rope, when your child was pushing all your buttons and you didn’t know what to do. Maybe your youngest child tantrums every time he hears the word “no.” Or your nine-year-old daughter gives you a hard time each day about going to school, or refuses to go to bed nightly. Maybe your 12-year-old is challenging you at every turn, telling you she won’t follow your rules and that she “doesn’t care” about the consequences you set. Perhaps your teenager has been acting out and staying out until all hours. You’re worried that he won’t pass all his classes this year—let alone finish high school. These are lonely, difficult moments, and let’s face it: it can be hard to talk about them with others.

I want to first start by saying that none of us is perfect, and no one is a perfect parent. In fact, rather than talking about “good parents” versus “bad parents,” I like to think of it in terms of “the good enough parent.” “Good enough” parents provide for their children and try their best to keep their kids safe. They are trying to raise their children the best they can, even if their methods aren’t always effective. If you’re aiming to be a better parent and thinking about ways to improve in certain areas, that’s a big part of “good enough parenting.”

We all feel ineffective with our kids at times, but believe it or not, getting through those tough periods  in our lives can be the most meaningful thing that we do as parents—and can actually  lead to stronger connections with your child.   Understand that parenting is all about the ups and downs—not just the  good stuff. And through those ups and downs, there is learning and growing  together.  You won’t hear your child say,  “Oh gee Mom, you’re a great parent for saying ‘no.’ Thank you for holding firm  on those limits!” You may hear it from your kids as they get to be young  adults. It may not happen in a predictable way and it probably won’t be on your  timetable, but trust me, you will hear something like that from your kids  eventually. So keep trying your best as a parent—don’t give up, even if you don’t  think you’re making a difference yet. 

Realize also that change takes time. Parents sometimes feel like they should be able to prevent problems and create change instantly. Change is usually a process, not a single action. Sometimes kids need to play out an inappropriate behavior and keep dealing with the consequences until they’re ready for change, even though it’s painful for us to watch as parents.

It’s important also to look for glimmers of improvement in your child’s behavior, or even in your own reactions to it. Let’s say you put some new limits in place recently—maybe your child is going to bed on time, but still sasses you as he walks up the stairs. It’s often easier to focus on the negative or annoying behavior and miss those hopeful glimmers of improvement. When I worked in residential treatment with teens, we worked constantly on setting limits with our kids. Whenever I would see a child follow through on a limit, even if they were calling me names as they did it, I knew I had them—and that I was making a difference. Again, it’s so important to look for those compliant behaviors, because they will let you know you’re on the right road. 

It’s also important to let your child be accountable for his or her own behavior—the good and the bad. It feels wonderful when your kid does something good, but that’s not their purpose in life—to provide an ego boost. You can’t own their achievements any more than you can own the really awful things. They are out of your control. Remember, you’re there to guide and influence your child, teach and coach them, encourage and love them, and then set limits and give consequences when they make inappropriate choices.

Another thing that I can’t  stress enough is the need for you to have some support, whether it’s one  trusted friend or a group of parents who you meet once a week for coffee. Talk  to your mate, a good friend, a school counselor, read articles in Empowering Parents. Look for a good sounding board.  We all need people to support us and encourage us along the way. We can’t always remain confident and positive about everything when we’re working on changing tough behaviors in our kids. And we can’t always see the improvements we’re making, either. Sometimes we need another person to point that out to us. That’s why it’s so important to have some perspective and support from others. Someone more neutral and objective can observe us from a different place and say, “Look how far you’ve come! Your kid’s doing his homework without a fight now. You’re doing a great job.” Not seeing your own growth as a parent is not unlike the child who you haven’t noticed growing, but over whom your relative who visits every few months exclaims, “Look how tall he’s gotten!”

If you’re seeking perfection as a parent, that’s not realistic. But if you’re aiming to be a better mom or dad, that’s really good enough.  It’s something that you may need to work on every day—and some days are better than others. Some days you really connect with your kids and it feels totally worth it; other days you feel like you’re back to square one. These are the highs and lows of parenting that we all experience; there is no such thing as a smooth ride with no bumps along the way.

If you’re reading this article  on Empowering Parents and going online and seeking ways to make improvements in parenting, then you’re there—you’re looking for ways of doing the right thing, you’re being a good enough parent. Once you acknowledge that you make mistakes and your family isn’t perfect, it can be so liberating. Be real, be honest and open. Learn from your mistakes. This is how you will start changing from them. This is becoming a good enough parent.

Wishing you and your families
a "good enough" 2013.

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Feel Like a Good or Bad Parent? How To Be a "Good Enough Parent" reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years and is the co-creator of The Total Transformation Program. She is a social worker who has held a variety of positions during her career, including juvenile probation officer, case manager, therapist and program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

Parenting Resolutions: Your 4-Step Plan to Calm, Positive Parenting

by Debbie Pincus MS LMHC

The new year gives us a chance to pause and ask ourselves the big questions:  “How am I doing? How can I improve?” If you’re a parent, perhaps you resolve to be a calmer one, a more consistent one, a stricter one, a more involved one. Maybe you’re thinking about the gap between the parent you are and the parent you want to be. Here are four steps for you to effect positive change in your family this year. Many of them are simple to put into place, but create change that will last for a lifetime.

When you know how to stay separate from your child and not get into his box, you will find yourself making fewer resolutions about staying calm, worrying less, and keeping your cool, because those things will naturally occur.

Related: Does your child push your buttons and make you crazy?

Step one: Self-reflection. Self-reflection is key to all good relationships, including those with your kids. And the beginning of a new year is a great time to resolve to make any necessary changes. Resolutions first require some thoughtful self-reflection. Here are some important New Year’s questions to ask yourself which will help you reflect and formulate your own resolutions.

• Do I lose it with my kids? Is my losing it more about my own sense of helplessness or lack of effectiveness, tolerance or patience?
• What are my temper “buttons” with my kids? What do those triggers say about me?
• What can and can’t I expect of myself as a parent? What are—and aren’t—my responsibilities?
• Do I do for my kids what they can already do for themselves? Am I over-functioning? (And is that why they are under-functioning?)
• How is my behavior contributing to any problems that I see in my kids? Is there anything I’m doing that might contribute to their misbehaving or their not listening?
• Are there things that I nag or criticize my child for that I need to improve on myself?
• Is being with me a good feeling or do I spend most of my time criticizing, correcting and being negative?
• Would I like to have myself as a parent? What would be positive and what would be most difficult?
• Do I carry enough compassion for myself when I’m parenting? If not, what can I do to develop more of that for myself?

Step two: Calm is contagious. A common resolution parents make at New Year’s (and all through the year) is to yell less and be less reactive. Staying calm with your kids is one of the best things you can do to model behavior and build positive relationships. Remember, anxiety is contagious—and so is calm. Here are five tips to keep help you keep your cool this year so you can stick to your resolutions:

Related: How to stay calm with you child—no matter what.

• Realize what you have control over. Recognize you have control over your response to your child’s actions, not over the decisions he makes. Give yourself the time to breathe, get the adrenaline down so you can get the thinking part of your brain engaged. Before you respond, spend time thinking about the most effective way to respond to your child’s behavior. Make sure you’re calm when you speak to him about his behavior, and the consequences you might be giving him.
• Work on your triggers. Try to be aware of some of your beliefs that trigger your anger with your kids. Although you will hold your kids accountable for inappropriate behavior, also recognize that much of their behavior is just kids being kids. Don’t be mad at them for going through their natural developmental stages. Young kids have lots of energy and often use it to get into everything in sight. This is necessary and healthy for kids, as aggravating as it is for us. Older kids explore the boundaries and take risks in order to individuate from their parents—another necessary step in their development, although it is scary, worrisome and aggravating for parents to witness.
• Practice good self-care. Do what you can to calm and soothe yourself. Get enough rest, take care of your health, work on your adult relationships, pursue your goals and interests. The more you care for yourself, the more resilience you will have and the more your children will not have to emotionally fulfill you.
• “Name that stressor!” Manage your distress by acknowledging it and naming it. You can say something like, “I’m feeling annoyed right now. I’m going to take my own timeout, breathe, and think about how I want to address this problem.” By doing this, you will be calming yourself down and modeling for your children how to better regulate themselves.
• Look at the big picture. Remind yourself that the most influence you will have with your children is in building a positive relationship with them. All of our interactions create a relationship over time. Think about how you want this relationship to look in five years, ten years, twenty years. In the moment, try asking yourself, “What can I do now, in this interaction, to hold my child accountable and develop a positive relationship?”

Related: How to be consistent and follow through on consequences.

Step three: Sticking with the plan. You might be saying to yourself, “Okay, now that I have my resolutions, how can I keep them all year and make them a habit?” Here are three important things you can do to make sure they stick:

• Make a commitment to change. The only way for you to follow through on a resolution is to first decide that you will. When you realize your decision to do something differently has meaning, importance or value to you, it gives you the motivation and power to keep going. Only then can it become the commitment and priority that it needs to be.
• Work on yourself. When you make this commitment, you’ll also to recognize how important working on yourself—rather than on your kids—is to creating great and lasting relationships with them. And of course remind yourself that your improvements will be helping your kids grow to be self-reliant, caring adults.
• Do whatever it takes. Put up reminders on your bathroom mirror. Ask your mate to gently remind you about your commitments. Come up with a code word or signal. Do whatever it takes to keep your commitment to changing.

Step four: Positive Parenting: As you move forward in 2013, try these three positive parenting tips to help guide you and to strengthen your relationship with your child:

• 2 positive interactions for every negative comment. For every reprimanded correction, criticism you give your children, (a necessary part of parenting), add two positive interactions. They can come in the form of a hug, a compliment, acknowledgement of something well done, a smile, or having a fun time together. Remember, the brain remembers negatives very well, but has a much harder time holding onto the positives. That’s why you need to make a conscious effort to include two positives for every one negative.
• Ask, don’t tell. Make a conscious effort to ask, not tell, when your child shares something with you—particularly your teen. “It is so unfair that the teacher did not give us more time for the research paper.” Your response: “Is there something you want to do about that?” Versus: “You should speak to the teacher about it.”
• Be separate from your child. The best gift you can give your children is being a parent who knows separateness. When you know how to stay separate and not get into your child’s box, you will find yourself making fewer resolutions about staying calm, nagging, worrying less, and keeping your cool, because those things will naturally occur. When you are separate, you will naturally allow your child to own his life. They will be his disappointments, his frustrations, his mistakes, his struggles; you will acknowledge this without getting into his head or letting your worry get in his way. You will know these are problems for him to own, not for you to own. It will be clear what belongs in your box and what does not. Look at it this way: You have your own disappointments and struggles and goals to work out. You can be there as your child’s guide and leader—not  the owner of his life. The way to be truly connected to your children is to be truly separate from them.
• Related: Doing too much for your child?

Here are three different scenarios that show how you can be a more separate parent with your kids:

If your adult child is still living at home and sleeping until noon every day, instead of thinking of him as a sloth and telling him what he should do with his life, stop having an opinion and get interested and curious about his. Find out what is making him tick or not tick. At the same time, be honest with him. Let him know what you expect of him while living at home or whether you are still willing to have him in your home six months to a year from now. Sit down and make a plan together.

If your child picks a fight with you every time he’s about to do something he does not want to do, don’t engage. This way he can wrestle with himself and his own discomfort, rather than get to deflect from himself by wrestling with you.

If your daughter is hysterical about whether or not she will get the job she desperately wants, stop jumping in with reassurances or taking on her pain or worry. Stand by her side rather than jumping in her box. Tell her you understand how crummy it feels to have to wait when you want something so badly. Be next to her instead of on top of her.

Above all this year, always resolve to ask yourself: “Who owns this problem?” If you are the owner, work to solve it. If you are not the owner, stay out of your child’s way and give them the space to own and figure out their own problem. You can stand nearby in case they would like your guidance, but don’t stand on top of them. By doing this, you will be giving yourself a lot more time and space for your own life, which is the best thing you can do for both your child and yourself.

Wishing all parents and families out there a happy and healthy new year!

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Parenting Resolutions: Your 4-Step Plan to Calm, Positive Parenting reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

Parenting A Difficult Child - Children Who Talk Back

So what is the best way to deal with children who talk back? Taking away privileges, treats or pocket money is not very effective with difficult or behavior defiant children. To them, winning the argument or battle is more important than avoiding punishment or loss of privileges. They simply want to engage you AND win. Therefore, they will be unrelenting in their whining or back talking.

So what is the most effective way of dealing with a difficult child when they are whining, arguing or talking back to you? I think putting them in a time out is the best way. When you do this, you immediately end the argument and give each of you time to cool down. This keeps you in control of the situation and shows them that “winning” is not an option. The debate will simply be over.

After the time out, do not return to the issue of the conflict, since mentioning it again will only reignite the argument. Move on to other things. If your child does bring it back up, stick to your guns and don’t debate it. As a parent, it is so important to choose your battles and stick to your decisions on important issues. If you feel yourself becoming angry or frustrated then use a time out to end the argument.

Dealing with a difficult or behavior defiant child is a tough job for any parent. Dealing with back talk is simply one of the many challenges, however, it is one you can overcome. The best thing you can do as a parent is to look for resources that will help you continue to develop your parenting skills. As you do this, you will grow in knowledge and be adequately equipped to handle all the phases of adolescence.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Children- What happens to them?

Children who are diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) have 4 possible paths to take.

1. Some will grow out of it. Half of the preschoolers that are labeled ODD are normal by the age of 8. However, in older children, 75% will still fulfill the diagnostic criteria later in life.
2. It may turn into something else. 5-10 % of preschoolers with ODD have their diagnosis changed to ADHD. In some children, the defiant behavior gets worse and these children eventually are diagnosed with conduct disorder. This progression usually happens fairly early. If a child has ODD for 3-4 years and he hasn't developed Conduct Disorder, then they most likely will not develop it.
3. The child may continue to have ODD without any thing else. This is unusual. By the time preschoolers with ODD are 8 years old, only 5% have just this condition and nothing else.
4. The child develops other disorders. This is the most common outcome.

Therefore, be proactive in getting help now. There is a lot you, as a parent can learn and implement that will make a significant impact on your child's behavior. There are new things you can always learn...don't hesitate to get the extra parenting help you might need. Check out the Total Transformation program for free right now. 

Strong Willed Children - 7 Helpful Tips

Do you have a difficult or strong willed child? Do they constantly challenge your rules, question your actions and in general, push your buttons? Are you mentally and emotionally exhausted all the time from the constant attention you give to dealing with their behaviors? Are you frustrated and feel like NOTHING YOU TRY WORKS? If so, you are not alone, but you do need help!

There is no doubt, your job as a parent is no walk in the park. Let me encourage you and give you some tips that may help.

Tip #1- Don't give up.

Your child needs you weather they know it or not. Determine in your mind that you will work with your child no matter how tired, hopeless or frustrated you are. Commit to this. This commitment most likely will involve you taking action to learn new and different ways of parenting your child. If everything you have tried has not worked, it simply means you need to learn what will work. And you can learn this. There are answers, and there are PROVEN methods that will make a difference. My favorite authors on this subject are James and Janet Lehman.  They share what they have learned over the course of 30+ years in in working with difficult, defiant, out of control and odd children and teens. 

 

Tip #2- Seek out help.

The first step here may be in educating yourself. If what you are currently doing is not working, then you need to actively seek out new methods for dealing with your child. Parenting is a course in continuing education....the learning and growing never stops. Another benefit of Dr. Lehman's program is that he has a monthly support newsletter, online podcasts, an active blogging community and content rich articles.

Tip #3- Be Consistent in your Discipline.

Let your NO be NO 100% of the time. They will naturally challenge you to see if you really will do what you said you would do. This is hard to do, I know. However, the payoff is worth it. If children learn that they can get what they want by pushing you, they will. However, if they learn that you mean what you say, they will eventually stop trying. They become programed to your behavior.

Tip #4- Don't Yell.

Yelling doesn't help, and it teaches them to yell. You can have a stern voice that alerts them that there is a problem, but it does not require yelling. If you yell, you are simply teaching them that it is okay to yell when they want to express their emotions. Again, children live what they learn. Our job is to learn HOW to stay calm. We need to be the calm parent, rather the one who simply reacts poorly to our child's bad behavior.

Tip #5- Ignore Tantrums if possible.

If you have a child who throws tantrums, I suggest putting them in a safe, yet isolated place (like their room) and walk away. Ignore the behavior, while not allowing it to ruin whatever is going on with the rest of the family. Remember, negative attention is still attention.

If you have a teenager who does this, I would listen to them completely, showing no emotional response AT ALL. Then, when they are finished, simply sum up what they said, insert the word "And", restate your answer that caused the outburst, then excuse yourself from the conversation.

The result: you listened, you restated what they said so they knew you heard them, you stuck with your answer, and then left the situation so as not to enter into an argument or yelling match.

Tip #6- Make a reward chart to catch them being good.

If you know your child, you know what motivates them- a new toy, an ice cream, going to the movies, whatever. Create a reward chart and place a sticker on it whenever you catch them being good. After "x" amount of stickers, give them the reward.

Tip #7- Make sure your child knows the rules and the consequences.

Repeating your expectations and then having them repeat them, back to you in their own words is a great way to do this. It also solves the problem of them using the excuse of "I didn't know!"

In conclusion, parenting a strong-willed, difficult, behavior defiant or out of control child or teenager is hard. There are always new things you can learn and implement to help get things back under control in your family. You simply have to be willing to take that step and invest in your child and their future.

I hope these tips get you going in the right direction!

Rebellious Teenagers – 1 Thing to Do as a Parent

If you are the parent of a teenager, I am sure you have felt your emotions pulled every which way you can think of, all within a day even. Teenagers are intricate people, who, with one misstep, could blow up in your face, leaving you speechless. Teens can challenge our patience to know end.... In addition, if you are the parent of a rebellious teen, your job is probably even more trying. So what can you do as a parent, to really help a difficult teen? I think the most important quality you can have is relentlessness. Do not ever give up on them, on helping them, standing by them, or on parenting them. If you do, who else will they have?

As parents, our job is to love our children unconditionally as we guide them through childhood and into adulthood. No matter how much they test us, fight us, argue with, ignore us or rebel, we must be persistent as parents. There will always be those difficult days…the days when we are exhausted, frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed, but every day ends and a new one follows. Keep that in mind. Time is not infinite. There is always an end. 

Be unrelenting.

So how can you be relentless as a parent? A few things that come to mind are to stay active and involved in their life, pursue them and show attentiveness in what interests them. Attend any events they may have, or accept and participate in any of their leisurely activities that you can. For instance, if you have a child who likes to ride skateboards, go and watch them at the skate park, get to know their friends, maybe attend a professional event with them, like the Dew Tour. Whatever it is they are currently passionate about, get interested in too. Also, be sure to let your teen know that you will always be there for them and that you are always available to listen.

Another part of being relentless is choosing to never give up. No matter how hard a situation gets, be willing to find the help you need. It is imperative that you remain willing to continue reaching out, to keep trying, and to keep learning. It is then, that you will remain close to your child, even through those rebellious teenage years.

Talking with your Teenager

Let’s face it; communication is a hard thing to do sometimes, especially if things are uncomfortable in any way. In addition, if you have a teenager, there are bound to be things that are uncomfortable between you, just based on the sheer fact that they are teens. However, if you want to keep a good relationship with your teen, then keeping the lines of communication open is a good first step.

Your goal in communicating with your teenager is to be heard. If they feel angry or defensive, they will not be able to hear you. It is at that point that all ability for sharing and relating is gone. Therefore, it is imperative to have a plan or a set of guidelines if you will, before you try to talk with your teen.

Let me share 6 good things you should keep in mind before talking with your teen.

1. Use words they understand. Speak at their level. They don’t want to feel stupid for not quite understanding what you are saying.

2. Talk to them as if they are adults, rather than children. If you do this, you will be communicating on common ground and they will respond to that.

3. Offer advice rather than telling them what to do. Teenagers need the balance of knowing you care, but also that you understand their need to make decisions for themselves at times. Keep in mind too, that even if they don’t take your advice initially, it does not mean they will not later. If you communicate positively with them, your words will have an impact for a long time to come.

4. Offer positive feedback. It’s so easy to see and point out the negative things, but it takes a skilled and self-controlled person to look for the positive and point that out instead. Genuine praise will go a long way with anyone, and especially your child.

5. Ask them questions that reflect an interest in their world. Show them you truly want to know more about what they care about, are interested in and like doing. This will then open the door for future conversations.

6. Always approach your teenager from a position of trust when bringing up sensitive topics. If they don’t feel that you trust and believe them, they are going to be less likely to open up and be honest with you. This can be really hard to do, so before approaching a hot topic with your teen, take time to mentally prepare yourself to handle things calmly, and peacefully, without causing them to get defensive.

These are simply 6 guidelines you can use when talking with your son or daughter. However, some children may be a bit more out of control, and leave you feeling lost. If that is the case, do not give up. Continue seeking guidance to learn more ways you can positively affect your relationship with your son or daughter.